Despair Knows Its Path
by ExtinctionOfReality
Summary: ByaRen Summary: Renji finds out about Byakuya's critical condition... [New arc inspired.]


**Summary: **Renji finds out about Byakuya's critical condition... [New arc inspired.]

**Pairing:** ByaRen

**Rating:** NC-17

**Warning:** _**majorly disturbing content (you have been warned!)**_, language, definitely something you may not like, messed up feelings, weirdness/abstractness

**Author's Note:** My secret Santa gift for _**Occultdawn**_-deary!^ww^

_**Despair Knows Its Path**_

I was wide conscious when Ichigo came over to mine and Rukia's Intense Care Unit ward... In the end, he was the one who chased the enemy away, huh? It's pathetic, absolutely shitty and sad Gotei 13 can't do without his help. What the fuck did we turn into..?

I could never forgive myself for my weakness...

Hell, I managed to get bankai, I managed to get to a bigger level, I should have been able to protect my Taichou against shitheads that didn't even deserve to get one look from him.

And yet, I couldn't, because I was not strong enough _still_.

It's as if no matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I strive to get stronger, working myself almost to unconsciousness, there is always someone who can beat me down without much of an effort.

For fuck's sake, when will I finally be able to protect those dear to me?!

That night, I found out about Kuchiki-Taichou's condition from the two 4th Division seats that were taking care of us.

What I felt...is indescribable...

I haven't told Kuchiki-Taichou how I felt about him…there was no need for that, is what I believed. The man was too proud, formal, he had a different kind of air about him...the kind a tramp like me could never trespass, ruin. And he had a deceased wife. Surely he wouldn't notice someone like me...

I was being foolish... I knew I should just forget about it and move on, but I couldn't. I couldn't forget or move on. This man was driving me insane and I let that feeling overtake me...

I let Kuchiki-Taichou be the center of my universe, my life.

That night, when Rukia was fast asleep, I...

Breathing heavily, body weak, I stood in the doorway to his personal ward. My condition was close to that of a dead man, yet here I was, standing, leaning against the door frame. I had no idea what possible force carried me here, where I got enough strength to get here...

But I didn't care. Nothing in the world mattered anymore as I witnessed Kuchiki-Taichou's condition... He was barely there, his reiatsu level so low I couldn't make it out at first.

No...hell no...

I almost stumbled to the floor as I took my first step towards him. I couldn't believe my eyes... I would never be able to believe them right now. Clawing my eyes out at the very moment looked like the right choice. Holy shit, if I could erase the scene before me right now, I would do even far worse...

The fact Kuchiki-Taichou's ward wasn't protected struck me as strange. Why wasn't anyone there from his clan..? My mind registered that thought, but it didn't have an answer, neither could it focus on that question...

"Fuck... Taichou..."

I stood before his bed now, too weak to stand and at the force of my weakened heart, I crumbled to my knees before him, my arms on the bed. This was not happening. This couldn't possibly be true...

...they said Kuchiki-Taichou was in a critical condition…and that the entire 4th Division could no longer do anything about it. All of the medical equipment attached to his body indicated how bad it was...

Holy shit...

I clenched the bed sheets.

Why...why couldn't I be the one to save him, to help him, protect him, goddammit?! Why did I have to see him suffer so much?!

If he dies...if I witness his death, I swear, I'm killing every single bastard that caused this. I will go to any part of hell to ensue their suffering. I will kill every single Quincy ten times over if I have to or die trying...just as long as I get to see him again...

To see this alluring being awake again...

Feeling dizzy now from pressuring my own reiatsu so much so I wouldn't lose consciousness, I crawled on the bed beside him, barely avoiding all of the cables and medical equipment. Slowly, I let a shaky hand run down his cheek, eyes almost tearing up.

Fucking hell... I would never get to do something like this when Kuchiki-Taichou was conscious... Leaning my face against his cheek, gently, I let tears fall from my eyes freely. Gods, please, I beg you, have mercy... If you want to take away a life, take mine instead and keep this man safe...

Keep him alive...please...

The dull sound of the other's heartbeat calmed me. I was now sobbing, but no tears were running down my bandaged face. I stared at him, that slim, bandaged form lying there peacefully... I leaned my heavy head forward and pressed my moist lips to his own.

Cold...they were so damn cold...

I ran a hand down his bandaged body lightly, feeling how all his being was cold, almost void of any life... Scary this was too damn scary.

My heart started beating faster.

He was so close...never in my million years of life could I ever imagine leaning so close against Kuchiki Byakuya… Never in a million years could I imagine touching him like this...

Never could I imagine smelling his scent... Fucking arousing...

And I felt like a sick, twisted animal... Not that I wasn't one, right..?

Smiling to myself, crazed at that thought, I pushed the blanket off, looking down the bandaged body, seeing what I wished to see for ages now. Licking my lips, I leaned against Byakuya's side, rubbing my thighs against him, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

Fuck... I was insane. Here he lay, on the verge of dying and all I could think about was sex..?

Well, I... I was losing my mind. I was getting something I would never get in any other way.

Selfish...too selfish...

I should have confessed to him while I still had the chance...

Biting my lip hard enough to draw blood, I let out a quiet moan at the friction of my inner thighs rubbing against him, grabbing for my aroused member, jerking myself off as I watched Byakuya's features.

Peaceful...not a single frown that was always visible when he looked at me... Hell, it looked as if he would smirk at me alluringly at any second now... F-fuck, this was too much...

And the worst part was, I forgot about his condition for a short while as I pumped my member away, playing with my balls, gasping near his ear like a fucked up psychopath.

I wanted him for so goddamn long...

Managing to sit up, I got on top of him without touching his body, my legs on either side of his arms, member near his face, near those fuckable lips...

Sh-shit... H-help...I was losing my mind. Losing my mind at the need of this man...

Dazed, my head still spinning, I continued at my ministrations, ignoring everything and anything around me. I didn't care how I looked to anyone outside my world. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing myself, yet all I knew was...

I...I sped up until I came...

Moaning Byakuya's name as quietly as I could manage at that second, I collapsed on my hand near his head, cum spurting on his delicate features…oh hell how amazing he looked at the moment with my cum all over his bandaged face.

F-fuck...

Coming down from my high, leaning forward, I broke down again, crocodile tears running down my features as I licked my own cum from his face. For fuck's sake, why did this have to happen..? I was feeling so unstable, so crazy, shit, I felt like killing myself on the spot...

And I almost did as I grabbed the scalpel from the equipment table, not even sure what it was there for... I felt so, so sick... I condemned the love of my life with my own idiocy, I dirtied him with my own shitty emotions and-

Instinct...instinct...

The thought of what I did just a few minutes ago crushed me. I had no clue what happened…

Still sitting with my bandaged legs on either side of my Taichou, I leaned the arm down, veins at my sight as I ran the knife down it lightly, drawing blood through bandages, ripping the damn material along the way.

Licking my lips in a crazed daze, my eyes glazed over, I watched bits of blood run down, loving the sight of crimson red.

Taichou...did you know I was a blood-addict..? Of course you didn't...no one did...

Tears still running down my face, I leaned the arm to my face, licking at the blood, loving the metallic taste that filled my mouth as I stared down at the man on the bed...such a sight...

Crawling off, I lay down beside him again, letting a few drops of my blood run down his lips, the sight almost making me aroused again, but I let it slide...what I did a few minutes back was already crazy as is...

Licking the blood off of the scalpel, I let it fall on the floor with a clang as I would kiss away at the stunning face, trying to get some of my reiatsu through his system, not certain if it would do anything.

In the end, I would be too worn out to move, my hands over him. Blood would be all over his face, neck, all over his bandages. I would stare at him like that until sleep would take the best of me, until I would hear someone scream at the door and loud movement following. Someone would take me back to my room, cleaning my bandages and change them.

And then, I would gladly learn...that Kuchiki-Taichou's condition was more stabilized.

I finally did something useful... I finally helped the one I cared dearly for, more than my own life.

A grin would spread across my lips and I would fall into a pleasant slumber, ignoring all of the questions I was asked about being in Kuchiki Byakuya's room.

Next time, guard it better, you bastards.

_**The End.**_


End file.
